I once had a lengthy spell in an office with nothing but coffee and internet for company. At that time the ‘no win no fee’ accident claims lawyers were feasting on everyone’s bad fortune. Insurance premiums were rocketing and every scumbag who had so much as a supermarket scuff was claiming compensayshun [sic] for whiplash. The government has since changed the law, thankfully, but back then ‘whiplash lawyers’ would pay a referral fee for potential claims cases. This meant endless cold calls, spam emails and adverts everywhere; “have you had an accident?”. I decided to have some fun with that. These companies had online chat functions and this, below, is genuine copy of a transcript. It was fun (and a little tricky to come up with this rubbish, live) to be in character. In this second chat I am ‘MARY’.


Please wait for a site operator to respond.

You are now chatting with ‘Alison’

Alison: Good Evening, Welcome to National Accident helpline chat. I am a legally trained advisor here, how can I help you?

MARY MULLIGAN: GOOD EVENIN I AM MARY MULLIGAN. I NEED HELP BECAUSE OF AN ACIDENT.

Please wait while I transfer the chat to ‘Kerri.’.

You are now chatting with ‘Kerri.’

MARY MULLIGAN: HELLO ALISON. ARE YOU THERE?

Kerri.: sorry how can i help?

MARY MULLIGAN: WHAT HAPPENED TO ALISON? DID I DO SOMETHING WRONG? I NEED ADVISE ON MY ACIDENT.

Kerri.: im sorry it was the end of her shift but i can help.

MARY MULLIGAN: I NEED SOME HELP BECAUSE OF THE ACIDENT I HAD.

Kerri.: ok what sort of accident did you have?

MARY MULLIGAN: A TRANSIT VAN DROVE INTO MY HOME. I GOT VERY BADLY HURT.

Kerri.: im really sorry to hear that. When did this happen?

MARY MULLIGAN: 3 DAYS AGO. WE STILL CLEARIN UP.

Kerri.: and what sort of injuries have you suffered?

MARY MULLIGAN: FACIAL MAINLY (ON FACE)

Kerri.: .have you been to the hosptial then?

MARY MULLIGAN: NO. HUSBAND WONT LET ME AS HE DOESNT WANT TROUBLE FOR THE CRASH

Kerri.: was it your husband that caused the accident then?

MARY MULLIGAN: NO NOT DIRECTLY

Kerri.: have the police been involved at all?

MARY MULLIGAN: JESUS, NO, THEYD WANT TO SEARCH THE CARAVEN

MARY MULLIGAN: WE LIVE IN THE CARAVEN, ON THE A6 LAYBY

Kerri.: in order to take a claim forward we would need to know who was at fault. Do you have details of the person that hit into you?

MARY MULLIGAN: YES.

MARY MULLIGAN: WILL YOU WANT TO LOOK INSIDE THE CARAVEN? IM NOT ALLOWED 2 LET ANYONE IN IT.

MARY MULLIGAN: ACTUALLY THERES NOT MUCH LEFT OF IT ANYWAY

Kerri.: is it a caravan or a motor home?

MARY MULLIGAN: IT WAS A TRANSIT VAN AND A CARAVAN

Kerri.: ok can i ask if you have a postcode?

MARY MULLIGAN: I DONT NO THE FULL ONE. IT STARTS NN18 I THINK.

Kerri.: can you except mail?

MARY MULLIGAN: ‘EXCEPT’ OR ‘ACCEPT’ ?

Kerri.: we need an address to send mail too and to put you in touch with a solicitor based on a postcode.

MARY MULLIGAN: I SEE. YES. YOU CAN DELIVER US A LETTER. WE’LL KEEP THE DOG INSIDE WHEN YOU COME.

Kerri.: we do not deliver mail personally it is all done through mail and phone but we need a full uk postcode so we can put you with

the right solicitor.

MARY MULLIGAN: YES YES. WE HAVE THAT. WE GET LETTERS FROM THE COUNCIL ALL THE TIME.

Kerri.: ok are you able to find the full postcode now?

MARY MULLIGAN: I HAVE IT, TRY “NN17 4ET” IN CORBY

Kerri.: is it the industrial estate?

MARY MULLIGAN: YES! WE’RE IN THEIR CARPARK NOW. COUNCIL GAVE US 6 WEEKS.

MARY MULLIGAN: SPIOL INDUSTRY IS ON THE DOOR.

Kerri.: ok do you have a phone number and we can get someone to call you and explain how the process works?

MARY MULLIGAN: OK. DONT U JUST POST THE MONEY?

Kerri.: no we need you to speak to a solicitor first and then they would investigate everything and depending on your injuries they

would be able to tell you how much compensation you are entitled too?

MARY MULLIGAN: OH. CAN I TALK TO ALISON INSTEAD? I PREFERRED HER. I FELT THAT I WAS MORE LIKELY TO EARN

COMPENSAYSHUN FROM HER THAN YOU. I ONLY NEED ENOUGH MONEY TO GET THE DOG SPAYED AND PADDYS TEETH FIXED. AND

SOME DIESEL FOR THE VAN. £25 SHOULD DO IT. I DONT CARE THAT IT PUTS EVERYONE ELSES INSURANCE UP AS A RESULT. FECK

THE LOT OF EM. I RECKON YOU COMPENSAYSHUN PEOPLE ARE LIKE US TRAVELLERS A BIT, DON’T YOU? LESS POPULAR THAN US,

OBVIOUSLY AND WITH FEWER MORALS. CAN I TALK TO ALISON AGAIN OR WILL U JUST SEND A CHECK? LET ME KNOW WHEN YOURE

COMING AND I’LL PUT THE DOGS INSIDE, THEYLL BITE YOUR FACE OFF IF THEYRE NOT TIED UP.

Kerri.: im afraid we can no longer help. Good bye

MARY MULLIGAN: IF YOU DONT SEND US THE MONEY WE’LL PUT A CURSE ON YOUR HOLE FAMILY. AND YOUR DOG. IF YOU HAVE

ONE. IF NOT WE’LL CURSE ANY DOMESTIC PET YOU HAVE. APART FROM FISH COS THAT DONT WORK. YOU CANT CURSE FISH. THEY

CANT REMEMBER ANYTHING.

Kerri.: thankyou and goodbye

MARY MULLIGAN: WANT ANY PEGS ?

Chat session has been terminated by the site operator.


(Pic credit and info under CC – https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Car_Crash_7-1-18_2254_%2842450602804%29.jpg)

About The Author

Rich Duisberg

Rich's drivel regularly appears in Practical Performance Car and GT Porsche magazines. He has also written for Classic & Sportscar, MogMag, Classic Performance and Retro, Banzai, Evo, and Modern Mini. He also did a book no-one bought. His hungover fizzog also often appears on CBS’s Carfection channel enthusing about historic motoring. Le Mans winner Derek Bell once refused to get in Rich's Morgan Three Wheeler with him at the wheel. Currently amongst the detritus in his garage is a 1972 Fiat 500 Abarth, a fat BMW and a Lotus Elise. Previous machinery includes a Porsche 968, an Alfa GTV V6 and a dreadful Sinclair C5. He also owns a vintage Royal Enfield pushbike.

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