I once had a lengthy spell in an office with nothing but coffee and internet for company. At that time the ‘no win no fee’ accident claims lawyers were feasting on everyone’s bad fortune. Insurance premiums were rocketing and every scumbag who had so much as a supermarket scuff was claiming compensayshun [sic] for whiplash. The government has since changed the law, thankfully, but back then ‘whiplash lawyers’ would pay a referral fee for potential claims cases. This meant endless cold calls, spam emails and adverts everywhere; “have you had an accident?”. I decided to have some fun with that. These companies had online chat functions and this, below, is genuine copy of a transcript. It was fun (and a little tricky to some up with this rubbish, live) to be in character. In the first chat I am ‘ben’.


Barry: Hello. Im your Claims Direct chat representative . How can I help you?

ben: hi i had an accident and need 2 no how 2 claim

Barry: Could you tell me a little more about what has happened?

ben: yes. i was in the works van and had an accident. question is, does the other person need to be insured 4 me 2 claim?

Barry: Sometimes but we can also look at it through the motor insurance bureau.

Barry: It would be best if we discussed this further over the phone, could you provide a telephone number?

ben: the other guy won’t be on the insurance database, i know that

Barry: If he is not insured then we could claim through the motor insurance bureau.

ben: OK. how does that work tho, he wasnt in a car ?

Barry: It would be better to discuss it over the phone, could you provide a telephone number/

ben: I don’t have his number, he can’t even speak, he just ran out into the road.

Barry: In this case then we would not be able to pursue a claim for you.

ben: Surely the chimp who hit me must have some insurance ? someone is responsible for him ?

Barry: If you were able to find that out then, we would be able to pursue a claim. If not then we could not help you.

ben: I have that. Dudley Manor Park and Zoo. It just sprinted out the gate and under my wheels. Made a right mess of the van. It just went ‘oo-oo-aa-aa’ before it passed out. I don’t know if that was through pain or if that was it’s normal voice.

Barry: We would not be able to help you with that

Barry: Thank you for chatting. Good-bye.

Chat session has been terminated by the site operator.


(Pic source and info – https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Car_Crash_7-1-18_2254_%2842450602804%29.jpg)

About The Author

Rich Duisberg

Rich's drivel regularly appears in Practical Performance Car and GT Porsche magazines. He has also written for Classic & Sportscar, MogMag, Classic Performance and Retro, Banzai, Evo, and Modern Mini. He also did a book no-one bought. His hungover fizzog also often appears on CBS’s Carfection channel enthusing about historic motoring. Le Mans winner Derek Bell once refused to get in Rich's Morgan Three Wheeler with him at the wheel. Currently amongst the detritus in his garage is a 1972 Fiat 500 Abarth, a fat BMW and a Lotus Elise. Previous machinery includes a Porsche 968, an Alfa GTV V6 and a dreadful Sinclair C5. He also owns a vintage Royal Enfield pushbike.

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