Hello, BMW, you might know my mate Lotus. I’m not sure what gender it is (welcome to Norfolk, by the way) but it really fancies you. I’m a rubbish match-maker but it’s late and I’ve been drinking and Lotus is too shy to talk to you. It’s currently shacked up with well-meaning but obviously unsuited Proton – but it’s not what either of them want.

Since Lotus’s Dad Colin died it has been a bit adrift at times. It has inherited a little of his Engineering genius and a lot of his business acumen. It offers 3 cars and yet sells less in total than when it had the single model – on which it’s 3 current models are all loosely based. It might sound a bit NFN but they’re perfectly lovely, really. There’s no hiding Lotus’s predicament. It needs someone strong in it’s life. Ford blocked it on FaceBook. It tried Tinder but just got endless pictures of GM’s genitals.

Lotus doesn’t want a sugar Daddy, oh no. It remembers your brief liaison with that other neglected Brit, Rover, and knows you won’t want another expensive divorce. Or a nasty rash. You gave MINI some ooompah and made it the success is it today. You gave Rolls-Royce the freedom to create wonderful things. Lots of beautiful BMW babies, made in England. Sure, Lotus goes off the rails now and then but promises that it’s craziest days are behind it, besides, a little bit of crazy is good, isn’t it? Who wants to end up like Nissan, hanging around with Renault and hand-shandying over CO2 figures? Lotus is saving up to get that Swizz Beatz tattoo laser-removed and wouldn’t  mind you sneaking off to Cowley and Goodwood now and then. You could do worse, y’know.

What’s in it for you, BMW? Lotus is saucy. You could have a three’s up with Lotus and one of your other conquests for mutual product gratification. People pay for that kind of thing. Imagine the platform sharing, engineering expertise, cost-savings and other things that I’m struggling to express as metaphors for sexual relationships. Pass me that half-full glass, will you? Ta. Porsche, currently in bed with with that utter dullard VW, could easily be overshadowed by spunky little Lotus. It has a smashing new build in Hethel with a racetrack round the back. It still turns heads in F1. It has pizzazz and potential but above all people love it. I’d go out with it myself but I’m just a motoring nobody with 4 pints of Guinness and a bottle of Hungarian Chardonnay inside me – it needs a powerful German car conglomerate. You’d be perfect together!

My mate Lotus really fancies you, BMW, will you go out with it?


About The Author

Rich Duisberg

Rich Duisberg* has had work published in Classic & Sportscar, Practical Performance Car, Modern Mini, Banzai, MogMag, Evo, GT Porsche, Complete Kit Car, Absolute Lotus, Alternative Cars, Classic Retro Modern, and elsewhere. Rich often appears on CBS’s XCAR and Carfection channels, and Motors TV, plus JayEmm on Cars, enthusing about historic motoring. His latest book (find his work on Amazon) was described by SniffPetrol as "hilarious", although he was also threatened with legal action by elderly DJ Tim Westwood. In his Midlands man cave is a 1972 Fiat 500, a Lotus Elise, a BMW barge and a vintage Royal Enfield pushbike. Previous machines of interest include an Mk1 MX5 (owned for 14 years!), an Alfa GTV6, a Porsche 968 and a Sinclair C5. The Metro (right) was bought for an experiment, and abandoned in Africa. "I am not getting in a car with him" -  said Le Mans winner, Derek Bell. *A nom-de-plume inspired by the BBC's League of Gentlemen.

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