I have written a funny book! 

Called ‘Confessions from quality control‘ I share stories of amusing bodges and balls-ups I experienced when selling quality inspection equipment to the World’s car factories in the 1990s. From Peugeot to Porsche, Hummer to Skoda and quite a lot of Rover, there are 30 chapters giving an insight into various car factories around the World. If you’ve ever found a sandwich in your new Vauxhall, or someone’s finger in your MINI, this book might help you understand how it got there. The book finishes with an experiment to see how bad Longbridge stuff really was with an eventful road trip to Africa in a Metro.

Some little snippets;

The voice was attempting English and it sounded a bit urgent and desperate. “FRAMES!” I asked what they were doing with the equipment and understood they had put it outside the factory. What was it doing there?! “ROTS OF FRAMES – IT ON FIRE!”. We didn’t ask them to return the equipment, and didn’t attempt to sell anything to Japan again.”

“Bob was slowly asking for the number of Boots in Barking. As he was connected he calmly looked Tefal in the eye and told him he was on his break. Tefal, now raging “snot fackin’ break yet!”, grabbed £2000’s worth of test instrument and blindly threw it, still ranting, missing a chap who was passing with a tea trolley but hitting his urn with a clang. Bob was talking to Boots and stroking his fringe. “No”, he drawled “it’s not auburn, it’s deeper, more of a burnt ochre. It’s usually in a bigger bottle. That’s the one. 6.75? I’ll collect later. No, madam, thank YOU. “ He was ordering hair dye in company time. Tefal screamed one last, lung-bursting “YOO CANTS!” and stomped off. Bob never even flinched.”

“I told my translator to tell him that someone so clean shaved couldn’t possibly be management, and to bring the real boss. He nervously translated and the man left the meeting, chuntering in Polski, and came back with a man with a ‘tache the size of sofa.”

“The worker, mind eventually scrambled by lights and inane plinky-plonk electronic torture, took revenge. The robot followed a pre-defined route, the shortest route possible, by detecting and following a metal strip fitted to the floor. The worker brought in a roll of metal tape and laid a new path for the robot to follow. It was last seen heading Southbound for the A19.”

“An over-officious young Bavarian upset some obstinate worker and mutual hatred erupted. The workers all went to the pub and conceived a brilliant plan of revenge. The following morning management were shocked to discover they couldn’t understand their workforce. Questions were seemingly answered in gibberish. They were answered in Welsh.”

“Kaizen – this means, literally, improvement. In a production environment that might mean elimination of waste, better efficiencies, or (Rover) getting the canteen to serve their soup with fewer lumps in it”

Smiling now? 

You can pre-order the book via KickStarter here. If it doesn’t pre-sell enough copies it doesn’t get printed. Click for more info;

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