We’ve all been there. The secretary has lost your cheque book, there is nothing but loose change in your pockets and your bankcard has not only been swallowed by the cash machine but digested for your debts. In these credit-crunched times when your Bank Manager is a call centre chimpanzee in the 3rd world and you need to make an emergency cash withdrawal, MotorPunk shows you how to crack a safe.

Procure some Polar Ammon Gelignite or or Polar Ajax. This has been used widely in quarrying and mining and with the decline of these industries in the UK there will almost certainly be a man in the pub who knows a man who has some. Any pub in Coalville is a good place to ask. Gelignite is extremely sensitive to moisture so don’t put it on the bar. You’ll also need a tamping tool. The non-pipe smokers among us might want to use an ice lolly stick instead. You’ll also need a battery, some copper wires (earphones will work), a crowbar, Plasticine and a pack of condoms.

Next, fill a condom with the Gelignite and poke it through the safe’s keyhole, taking care not to drop it inside, and secure it with the Plasticine so it hangs just inside. On the outside of the lock pack a larger quantity of Gelignite. At this point perhaps we ought to consider the safe’s material, thickness of the door and dimensions of the safe room and give a reliable formula to calculate the precise amount of Gelignite to be used. A fist-sized dollop should do it. Attach your wires to said dollop and retreat a safe distance.free money. sort of.

This is the fun part. The part where APRs are exploded and bouncy cheques are but a distant memory. No more “your call is important to us – please continue to hold”. Touch the two wires to the battery to complete a little electrical circuit. There will be a huge explosion directly proportionate to the size of your dollop of Gelignite. No need to enter your PIN.

The lock should now be broken open and the door can be prized open and an unauthorized overdraft obtained. If the contents of the safe are in any way on fire then you have overestimated the size of dollop. If the door is locked then your dollop wasn’t big enough, so try again. If the safe is still unopened after this then is may be possible that it is fitted with an anti-shock device. This is a number of glass links that shatter upon shock, springing a number of large lock bolts inside the safe. Fear not. Move on to step 5.

5 Many older safes are made from cast iron. This metal becomes brittle with sufficient heat. Assuming steps 1-4 haven’t alleviated your overdraft then build a decent sized fire around the safe and wait. Those life-sized cardboard cutouts of smiling members of staff make excellent firestarters. Once your safe is roasting hot, smack it with a something substantial or drop if from a window. If it doesn’t shatter open then move on to step 6.

If there is anything left of the lock then this could be picked but this is a skill that takes longer to learn than the response time of the local constabulary who will by now have been alerted to your efforts. A thermic lance could be used but the heat these generate will nuke anything in the safe other than diamonds. If you’ve gotten this far and are sat among the smoking rubble of a bank, alarms ringing, place on fire, take solace from the fact that you may not have solved your money worries but you will have considerably improved the British banking system.

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